I was in a state of total collapse. This is the eventual avalanche caused by dealing with anxiety and disappointments for a living. The volcanic eruption caused by dealing with suicidal thoughts 24/7. My most brilliant, beautiful emotional outburst as of yet…
No means to buy more canvases to make paintings, my only meditative exercise besides writing back then, and as I was losing my patience and strength in that hostel from hell, I grabbed that one, very heavy though quite small canvas I had with me; my testing canvas on which I made many failed attempts until I’ve lost all the last drops of hope now that I went so thirsty I didn’t know what to do with myself… suddenly, there I saw the paint knife in my hand, because  I found myself  stabbing through the thick layers of all the crazy colours in and out of it, up to three years old paint tore apart the new ones on the surface like a dragon of fire tearing my chest open to finally be set free with a monstrous scream, breathing fire to burn down EVERYTHING with all the wrath I’ve accumulated since childhood,  because I may have gone mad at last the way the world wanted, I thought… but then when I saw the pretty, wild waves, being the gentle person I cannot help myself who always sees the beauty in the ugly pains, I’ve got an idea out of the BLUE. 
The next time I went busking, with  Tsunami being my favourite as I put it on the front line with other paintings, I’ve finally got the compliments I deserved; I knew because I know what  art is supposed to be about, and all I need is an opportunity. 
‘Tsunami deserves the world’s recognition.’ They said.
I live to this day, another day, until I see this day cometh. I shall exhaust all the patience necessary for these beautiful artworks to get what they deserve one day, if not me. I just want to speak up to advocate for myself the way I always did for others, and I want people to listen and bring myself justice, bring the broken-hearted child I was justice.
After that reassuring compliment /I received, I had faith that I’m not crazy after all for believing in my paintings’ real value … so I went back to my cold, dark cave and sat in the warm and comfy light of consolation  glowing all around me out of all my paintings, to experiment,  and made another one inspired by Tsunami, so Typhoon was born next.
What makes Tsunami stand out and the perfect candidate for self-portraiture expressionism is, besides the fact that it 
reveals my mental state inside out unlike its siblings I’ve made,
 is the weight of all the paint it struggles to hold together that I 
layered throughout the ears like me with all the pain I’ve come to
 experience in my tragedy I’ve been collecting and carrying around 
meanwhile, too, and the way it pictures my bipolar disorder that comes
 and goes like the ebb and flow of a never ending Tsunami.
Some of the colourful paint hidden within can be seen in tiny holes 
Hither and tither, as if me inverted— Or is it? 
That’s what being bipolar is.
To be happy-go-lucky to cope with pain and tame negative thinking.
Or to  have a manic panic attack and start drowning so you  try to
bring positivity back to the surface. 
A peaceful, dreamy rainbow within a Tsunami of blue sorrows and 
ghostly white, or vice versa. 
.
Style: Abstract Expressionism
Medium: Acrylic paint
Size: 30.5 cm X 25.5 cm
*Be careful with storage and transport.
 
Made by Jakulaith Wolff - Yokoshima